A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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