You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
