I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
