just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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