don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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