Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
