last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
