I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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