i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
