We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
