just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
