if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
