don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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