I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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