a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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