Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
