who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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