Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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