We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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