His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Randomize
