I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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