her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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