did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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