Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Randomize
