.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
