Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
