ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
