he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
