i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
