: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
