I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
