i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
