Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
