If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
