He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
