Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
