"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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