I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
