don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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