I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Is it because I queefed?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
