At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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