I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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