oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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