I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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