And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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