my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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