there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
