I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
