so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
