I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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