just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
