hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
