No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
