I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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