i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
