oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
