accomplished twins. life is a go
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
