hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
